The challenge of having quality time AND communication has been on my mind these past few weeks. As you might know or guess, my oft cited complaint is the seemingly lack of quality time especially post marriage. Somehow, having all the time in the world to be together became a recipe for reduced quality talktime.
My misgivings seemed justified when I came across this story in Reader's Digest (July 1998):
A businessman moved over slightly as a young man crowded into the airplane seat next to him. They both fastened their seat belts, and the businessman asked if the young man was travelling on business or pleasure. “Pleasure,” the young man said. “I’m on my honeymoon.”
“Your honeymoon?” the businessman asked. “Where’s your wife?”
“Oh, she’s a few rows back. The plane was full, so we couldn’t get seats together.”
The plane hadn’t started rolling yet, so the businessman said, “I’d be happy to change seats with her so that the two of you can be together.”
“That’s okay,” the young man replied. “I’ve been talking to her all week.”
*Ee tsks away in indignation*
It also didn't help that Ed has gotten even busier of late. And although I attempted to be an understanding wife, realised the cracks were beginning to show when I started to get resentful at being neglected (perceived or otherwise) and this translated into me being reticent (according to Ed).
As I mulled over this issue, some ideas I got arising from discussions with friends and my own brainstorming:
- MAKE him talk to you.
- Set aside some time every night just to talk.
- Stay away from the TV.
- Deal with this, it's part and parcel of life.
Reading "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas also gave me some interesting insights related to communication. Excerpts as follows:
Marriage points to a gift of self that goes well beyond sexual fidelity. Getting married is agreeing to grow together, into each other, to virtually commingle our souls so that we share a unique and rare bond. When we stop doing that, we have committed fraud against our partner...Communication is thus the blood of marriage that carries vital oxygen into the heart of our romance.
Donald Harvey writes, "Intimate relationships, as opposed to intimate experiences, are the result of planning. They are built. The sense of union that comes with genuine spiritual closeness will not just happen. If it is present, it is because of definite intent and follow-through on your part. You choose to invest, and do. It's not left to mere chance.
Alas, there's no quick fix solution.
It's about making the effort to find a time to talk: be it sharing the mundance day's activities, the angst/frustration due to an unfortunate incident or even a piece of happy news.
It doesn't help too that I have my chattier (and less chattier) moments. Hence, realised I need to learn how to share "on-demand" and make an effort to engage Ed versus choosing to watch my HK dramas.
As I reached this momentous decision, came across the following remark which put a smile on my face:"When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one."
- Helen Rowland
Am very tempted to say how trueeee....but for the record, would like to clarify that we all can ensure this does not stay true.
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